Wednesday, March 21, 2007 ; 7:32 PMY
I really wish you were here.
i do feel a tinge of guilt at the thought of myself coming back home for the sake of coming back home, and staying outta home cause i just dont wanna come home.
Do you really think i dowanna come home?
Home is the place where i grow up; i
got beaten up for the slightest mistake made; i sleep; i cry alone over relationships, friendships, stress, studies, family, trivial emotional factors, etc etc; i laugh at matters or to myself (i often do that at home, to entertain myself). And many many other things i do and incidences which i may never forget.
Is where i bit my sis's stomach,
according to her.Is where my heart bled the most.
Is where i learn to write, read etc.
Is where i can open my legs and sit in the most comfortable way as i wish, with no restrictions.
Is where i knelt down the most at.
Is where i vent my anger the most at.
Is where i sleep till the sun goes down, again, and nobody will stop me.
Is where i cried my heart out when i was the only one left in the room, with an empty bed beside me.
All these possibly only WITHOUT HIM.
Is where, Is where...
All these memories/nightmares develop.
But OUTSIDE of this empty nutshell,
Is where i met my love,
Is where i learnt to cherish and love my sister,
Is where i get to know all my friends,
Is where i got picked up when i fall,
Is where i gain experiences of hardship,
Is where i see the true colours of human nature,
Is where i fall down the most,
Is where i have the most fun at,
Is where i learn to forgive and forget.
And alot more, much more than at home. And undoubtfully more enriching and heart-warming, isn't it?
What is HOME?
Presently, here, is still nothing but a
Boot Camp, to me, still.
I MUST forgive him, but i cannot. I'm trying, ever trying. I still cannot bring myself to cover up that hatred and address him nicely, "Hi Dad, I'm home!"
I aldy tried by starting off with "Hi!"
He asks," Is your father's name 'Hi'?"
Then in that case, i shall not address HIM anymore. Cause i can use the word 'Hi' on any other people, feeling more at ease, rather than having the tension and fear of being reprimanded.
I may get struck by lightning when i walk out one fine day. But shouldn't he be struck before I am? I do it the way i like it. I do things according to my own preferences.
Any Tom, Dick or Harry may perceive the matter differently from me. But I'm Charmaine.
This is the way i like it. I do not know how to explain specifically how and why, but just
like this.I really really wanna come home, if possible, everyday. But the thought of HIM, the thought of EVERYTHING, it just irks me.
A Boot Camp where i feel comfortable only on your own, compared to A place you can spend with your love but have to be independent to all the things.
Which one will you prefer?
